T's Words on Golf

I'm smarter than most, but only slightly dumber than the rest.

T - Improving 5 handicap. The Boys' fearless leader. My job description includes (and is definitely not limited to): Booking of tee times; setting up teams; keeping an unofficial handicap for all players; setting up our annual golf vacation to Mesquite, NV; and listening to everyone bitch about one thing or another. My game is consistency-galore. Not a lot of birdies, but not a lot doubles or more. 20 years on this tour.

Ralph - Solid 10-12 'cap. Subtitute "T" when I'm unable to play. Hates when T is gone. Plays the biggest of big draws and somehow scores well with it. 20 years.

George - A very sly 7 or 8. Can occasionally kick my ass. Very even tempered with a very astute yet forgiving smart-ass mouth. Everybody likes George. 20 years.

Elliott - Solid 7. Loves to beat T and is quite discouraged when unsuccessful. Smoothest swinger of the bunch and never misses playing. 7 years.

Bert - The most inconsistent 10-11 you've ever seen. Super smart and plays ultra-fast, but gets on some huge rolls both up and down. Bill and him are very good partners that know how to gloat quite well when winning. Our 'rules guy'. 17 years.

Bill - Fairly solid 10-11. Splitting he and Bert up is a no-no that I try and do very little of. He's our resident 'lawyer of golf', keeping tract of all things pertaining to rules, betting and distribution of monies. 15 years.

Tino - Pretty inconsistent 9-10. Laser-like irons and respectable drives makes him a favorite partner for all, -unless he's missing greens, because his short game pretty much sucks. 7 years.

Bob J - A 16 with more ability. I expect Bob to shoot his age pretty soon now, -especially since he's almost 80! I only hope to be in as good a shape as he is when I get that old. 12 years.

Bob R (or New Bob) - A good 12-14. Very nice tempo swinger that has his problems with iron consistency. A good partner that likes to joke around, but somehow keeps it clean. (We can all learn a lesson from him on that.) 1 year.

Joe - 22 and gettin' better. A fellow wop that can hit the ball a ton. When straight, it's awesome, but all other times can get f'ing ugly. 6 years.

Vito - A sneaky 13-15. Just when you think Vito is gonna shoot a respectable 84 or 85, he calmly throws in a couple 7's or 8's. Excellent partner that never gets angry and is a joy to talk to. Great cook! 4 years.

Dave - 16-18 but can be better. Easily the funniest of the bunch and never holds back. You can easily forget what a shitty round you're having when playing with him. 5 years.

Al - A 17 period. By far, our most consistent player. Has a Daly-esqe swing with Pavin-esqe length, -plus he's left-handed. A very nice partner with some excellent stories to tell. His prison guard past is well-worth the ride-along. 4 years.

Tim - An improving 24. T's brother and an excellent "D" player because of his improving consistency. Loves the game and almost always has fun playing it. Funny to watch his "I don't believe it!" reactions. 10 years.

Clarence - "I used to be better" 12. Joined the group this past year and is just now being more "accepted". His mouth sometime gets in the way of what most people believe is a pretty sharp game. A true grinder. 1 year.

Jon - Gets-the-job-done 20. Rarely shoots below 90, but never above 98. Makes some ridiculously hard shots look easy and easy shots look somewhat hard. Fun guy to have around with never a complaint from his fellow players. 3 years.

Doug - 18 when around. A traveler in every sense of the word. Two weeks with us, one week in Arizona, the next three in Florida. One things for sure, he's playing golf no matter where he is. True gentleman. 3 years.

Harry - 28 and a joy. When hitting his driver and putting well, Harry can light it up. However, when they're not working, it can be a long (but very fast) round. Everybody likes playing with him (which is more than I can say for myself). Just a nice guy. 8 years.

Don - A 24-26 anti-Harry. A little volatile on the course, to say the least! He is our best "ventor". "I hate this f'ing game!" is his most repeated (and justified) expression towards his own golf game. A big teddy bear off the course where he enjoys our post-round lunch as well as any of us. 20 years.

Darvin - 17 when present. Clearly the most intelligent of the lot and the strongest. When hitting the ball straight with his usual length, he's as good as any of us. Works too much which means he plays too little to get very consistent. 6 years.

Other players that play on an intermittent basis:

1. Joey - Probably a 2 on his home course, but more like a very solid 5 overall. My nephew and just a very exuberant and likable kid. Hugely long off the tee.

2. Aaron - A dependable 7 that could be much better if he didn't have to work so much. Joey's best friend and the most gentlemanly person to be around. Tons of ability.

3. Keith - 36 for sure. Just joined in playing with us via Darvin's workplace. Not great yet, but has the positive attitude and willingness to learn to get better. He has the tools.

4. Mark - 22 with the pain. Was a regular on tour (with us) but had to pull out due to a very disabling injury to his lower quadrant. Wanting to hit the ball hard probably had a little to do with it, but most likely it was that mechanical bull ride in Vegas that did him in. A great brother-in-law and killer poker player.

5. Burz - 22 and he goes everywhere off the tee. One of the most original golf swings period. Has settled into playing with his buddies at his home course in Sun City where he likes to dominate on occasion. We get to enjoy his company about once every 2-3 months even though we are now playing second fiddle. 20 years.