Hidden Valley Is No Picnic, It Just Eats Your Lunch

About once every other year we venture to Hidden Valley Golf Course in Norco, CA. It takes that much time for me to sneak a round into our itinerary, because of the fact that most of our guys really hate the place. I don't love it, but I definitely don't hate it. It is a shot-maker's course to the tens. You put your ball in the right spots on the course and you can get on the greens without much of a hassle. HOWEVER, if things aren't going where they were meant to go and you end up getting into the ravines, hillsides and firm bunkers, you will hate this place to no end. About his first trip to HV, New Bob (100) put it best: "I had six bad holes, but I blame myself for all of 'em". (In that six hole stretch NB was twenty strokes over par.) And that comes from a guy that just shot 79 last week at Apple Valley Country Club!

I spent the day putting myself on the wrong parts of the greens and hitting shots well-past my usual distances (i.e.: a pitching wedge that flew 135 uphill on #14?) and into trouble. At least four three-putts, three penalty drops and six or seven bunker shots brought me in with an 83. I was three strokes clear of Elliott (86) and eight strokes better than my playing partner, Clarence, who came in with a nice 91. Everyone else shot 94 and higher. I, along with New Bob, want to go right back, but just about everyone else didn't quite concur. Pussies.

The big item brought up by several golfers was the fact we were playing from the blues. HV plays just 6292 yards from the blues and only 5772 from the whites. Elliott made the decision to play blues, which made me happy, but it pretty much ended right there. The biggest complaint came from Billy, saying it was unfair to all except for a couple players (meaning Elliott and I), and there was no way for the shorter hitters to reach a lot of the par fours. With the exception of #9, (a downhill 401 yards par four), and #18, (424 yards with a downhill tee shot), all other par fours are between 302 and 376 yards. Come on, we play longer holes at all the other courses we play on a regular basis! As it turned out and to back-up my argument, about half of the blue tees were moved forward and near the white markers. Anyway, I figure since we probably won't be back there for quite awhile, (I'm sorry to say), this issue will shortly pass with no further ruffling of their collective feathers.

By far the biggest proof of HV's 'lethal-ness' was the fact that Ralph eagled #7, -and he still shot 108! Matter of fact, he was paired with Tino and Vito, which makes a team of all 80's shooters, yet none of them even broke 100!! Congrats Ralph, I think.

Team honors (and $) went to my team that included the aforementioned Clarence and Bob and we netted a very nice eight bucks apiece. Second and third, by default, went to Elliott's (+50 cents) and Bert's (-$4) teams respectively. You guessed it, Tino's team sucked hard.

Here's a picture of my two teammates on the tee box on #15. As you can see, HV has its fair share of stunning views (just not stunning-looking golfers):

And Bert took this electrifying video from #13's tee box. Just try and stay awake.

Spend Some Time Helping Out Fellow Golfers

There are many sites out there that help golfers find out where to play, but there isn't one that covers as much about golf courses and their collective backgrounds, -except for greenskeeper.org.  (For all of California, and most parts of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, Southern Nevada, Oregon, Washington and Texas. Also includes the St. George area of Utah for those of you that are thinking of going to Mesquite, NV for your next "Big Trip".)

Greenskeeper gives scorecards, ratings, slopes, reviews, green fees and discount opportunities about all *area golf courses. What sets this place apart though, are the golf course maintenance schedules. How many times have we all made tee times for courses and shown up only to find out they had just recently punched the greens, are working on the tee boxes or just made a temporary green for #18 so they can work on the permanent green. Greenskeeper lets you know the "when" and "what" about each course's schedule. A HUGE help for group leaders and their followers!

Another special feature, (once you become part of their 'team'), is the ability for a golfer to post a review about the course he/she just played. These reviews include but are not limited to: course conditions; the clubhouse and its proshop; and the staff's helpfulness and courtesy.

Do yourself a favor and check this site out. You will not be disappointed, -like some of you currently are now investigating.

*You will not find anything about private courses, but us real golfers don't really care about that, -unless, of course, we get invited to play one. We all have to give-and-take.

No Broken Legs, More Bugs and a Solid Round

Played Shandin Hills this past Wednesday and no one was injured, per say.

Quite a few years ago, Don and I were playing with Burz and his brother, Parker, at Shandin Hills and having a delightful round full of doubles, triples and others, when Don decided to wash his golf ball at the fifth tee box ball washer. I, in my infinite wisdom, decided to 'race' him to the washer and he decided to race me back. Bad choice(s), because as soon as Don's spikes (yes, it was back in the days of metal spikes) reached the cement surrounding the ball washer, both feet went sliding as if on ice and his shin collided with the ball washer steel post, breaking his right tibia and fibula in the process. Nasty scene. Thank goodness the ambulance was carrying him off within 30 minutes, which gave us ample time to finish our round before noon, so as not to miss the lunch special that day at the course.

Now, back to this week's round. No one got hurt, including Don. Everyone had a fun day even though there were quite a few gnats again this week to spoil our eyesight and taste buds, but not near as bad as last week at El Prado where I had nightmares for three days thereafter. Shandin was in OK shape with lush and slow greens, thin but mostly playable fairways, long and tough rough, and absolutely terrible tee boxes. In other words: Shandin Hills in its usual condition. For 20 bucks, it's still worth it.

I had a very good round shooting 75 even though I had some bad bounces and only one birdie. My short game was pretty spot-on while I hit some less than "spot-on" irons. Playing with Bob R. (92) made the round that much more enjoyable, even though he does like to pester me a bit. I suppose I deserve most of it... OK, probably all of it.

Our team which also included Clarence (86) and Harry (100+) finished a solid second out of four teams which netted us a big one dollar. Hey, it's better than losing a buck! Ralph, Elliott, Vito and Jon were the big winners clearing a cool $4.25 apiece. Elliott was pissed that his solid 80 didn't come close to my 75, but good for me and my already inflated ego.

Next week were venture back to Hidden Valley where our collective egos take a beating and the lack of hookers is a big turn-off.

Attacked at El Prado!

Our glorious group of eighteen ascended upon El Prado Golf Course last Wednesday and were thusly ascended upon by those pesky little creatures called 'gnats'.

First off, my team finished last, -a first the past five weeks, and I was to blame with a dumb-ass 82 that included fat shots, thin shots, chunked chips and topped tee shots. I amazingly had no 3-putts, but I did have a triple on #12 thanks to a very hard-breaking 20' putt I sank after my double-hit out of the bunker. The rest of my team hung in there OK, but I was useless after I hit a fairway bunker shot on #1 to ten feet for a nice sandy par.

George tore it up again with a 77 and his team killed the next nearest team by ten strokes! There was a report that George opened a new bank account shortly thereafter. I made myself a cardboard sign and stood by the freeway entrance to the 60. (It seems that people have no sympathy towards jackoff golfers and their sick habit(s). I had only one guy stop and ask me for some change. Everyone else just laughed at me.)

The really big story of the day though, was the unrelenting attack of the gnats that just kept coming and coming. Every hole, every drive between holes and every swing was rudely interrupted by thousands upon thousands of those pesky little creatures from hell. We've been to lots of courses that had their fair share of insects, but this was unbelievable! I wear contacts so I was in the very pits of Hades where I was not only blinded, but also forced to acquire the taste of them little fuckers. It's a good thing  El Prado has excellent customer service, a nice layout and reasonable rates, because I wouldn't go back until this winter when such vermin are at rest.

The course itself was in decent shape with its fair share of crab grass, spotty (and very bumpy) rough and super hard bunkers, but nice tee boxes and greens (for the most part) offset that nicely. We played the Chino Creek side, which is definitely the more exciting of the two courses there and it does manage to keep you interested with a good amount of forced carries and required well-placed drives. Well-worth a trip for newbies, just make sure your have your rap-around shades, OFF bug spray and don't open your mouth unless you're in need of some extra protein.

Terrible, But OK!

Played Eagle Glen Wednesday with little to no fanfare. (Once again, we were our own cheerleaders.)

The course was in good shape and the weather was in the upper 90's. Four teams set off on a quest to win the cup, or unreasonable facsimile thereof, and only one was the victor, -my team! We collected a net $6.50 apiece, with Elliott's and Tino's teams sharing second and basically winning their investments back.

What made the win so sweet wasn't the fact I shot really well, because I didn't, (I had five three-putts on my way to a less than stellar 80), but by the way my two teammates stepped-up when needed. Both Jon and Vito shot around 90 with some awesome up-and-downs, big-time putts and dazzling consistency. If one can do the latter at EG, he will definitely pick up the winner's check.

Another surprise was Bert shooting 109!, -which helped his team finish a very distant fourth. This past week I released the first set of indexes since our Mesquite trip, so evidently Bert thought his 10.8 was (way) out of hand, much to his team's chagrin. Not really sure what happened there, but I heard it was ugly. I wasn't near the conversation, but I did catch such phrases as "popped-up my drive", "whiffed my..." and "shanked my chip on...". Yep, that kinda talking usually follows a fat 100. Anyway, if he thinks that's going to influence my team-making for next week, he's got a big shock come next Wednesday. Fuckin' sandbagger!

Other big news was the fact that Darvin and Keith are back on the tour, but only on an every other week basis do to work obligations. Evidently Boeing has 'beyond-golf' aspirations for its workers. Not much else to report other than Elliott being happy to break 80 (and beat me). He's been having a tough time lately and I am sure his 79 will get him back on track. I'm not willing to let him keep beating though, so I'm off to the putting green to practice.

Oh! One more thing: That cart girl at Eagle Glen is quite hot, tats and all!!!