T's Words on Golf

Terrible Golf

2012-01-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

While playing with another new fellow golfer last Wednesday and seeing him struggle the entire round (thus taking our team out of contention for the weekly title which means next-to-nothing), all I could do was cringe every time he yelled at himself with that overly-used and stupid comment, "Keep your head down!".

This is by far the worst advice for anyone who has ever played the game. Whomever started the idiotic phrase/advice/coaching suggestion should be banned from the game. I dare anyone out there to try it (right now) in your living room, out in your backyard or on the driving range. Put your head down, make sure it stays there and try and hit three consecutive shots cleanly. You have no chance.

Think about it: How are you supposed to stay on plane whilst your chin is digging down into your chest? It gets in the way of both of your shoulders you moron! You will dip going back and you will dip going forward, forcing you to compensate during an already-bad swing. Good luck!

Here is some excellent advice. (I normally charge for such advice, but since I learned it from someone who didn't charge me for the same advice, I'll let you all have it for free.):

The proper way to reinforce your swing and make it more consistent is to tell yourself, (and subsequently do), "Keep your head STILL!". Set up for your shot with your chin up enough so you have good posture. That is, keeping your spine angle straight from your waist up through the back of your head. This allows you to turn your shoulders underneath your chin, which also gives you more torque and distance. You will also not dip, allowing you to hit the ball squarely. Simple, huh? Just remember to keep your head still during the swing and the rest will take care of itself.

One other thing: Make sure you hit through the ball. This will also help with good ball striking.

So don't be a moron golfer like I once was and start saying 'no' to bad advice from fellow golfers who are probably worse than yourself. It's just not safe.

Tiger's Not Back But The PGA Tour Is

2012-01-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

For those of you that thought that Tiger's win in SoCal last month actually meant anything, think again.

First off, how great of a tournament is it that the defending champion, Graham DcDowell, doesn't even come back to defend? And how many players are even in the tourney, like 18? When Tiger dominated before his promiscuity blew up in Elin's face, Sherwood meant something because everyone wanted to see him win everything. I wasn't one of them because frankly, winning that tournament would be like me picking out the right movie to see at the theater with my family and it just so happened to be Forest Gump. (Not a big reach, especially after reading the reviews the day before.)

Now we hear that he's coming back in February to play Pebble. Again, not a big reach because of his past successes there, but it is a start. He would really impress me if he played the Northern Trust at Riviera, where he has never come close to winning. He has always liked playing it safe, playing tournaments he has won over and over again, but seems to shy away from those that have given him trouble. (I can't think of a lot of them off the top of my head (and I don't want to bother researching it right now), but the Waste Management Phoenix Open rings a bell.) His fans always love to see him play, but please NBC and CBS, don't show us every shot he takes even when he's twelve back on Sunday! There are a lot of players that are right in the hunt that we are lucky to see hit one shot in the final round. I bet their collective families would have something to say about that.

I know it's killing the PGA Tour's American television partners to have only one American, Steve Stricker, in the top five golfers in the world, but just don't over-compensate with a Tiger montage before and during the final round of the Mayakoba Golf Classic, which he probably isn't even playing. So let's see how the rest of the bunch are doing when the play is climaxing on a Sunday, and not dwell on Tiger's decision to dump Stevie last year or how his swing coach is going to turn him around this year for sure. (Everyone knows Tiger would have won all those tournaments with me on his bag and he still had Butch watching over his precious self.)

So let's get serious PGA, CBS and NBC. I'm looking forward to the new line of winners this year, with Ricky Fowler leading the way. After all, he's brought the colors purple and orange to the top of the golf clothing spectrum. Who else can say that? (Please don't use Poulter's Pussy Pink Plaid trousers as a reasonable comparison. Who else wears this shit?)

A New Idea!

2012-01-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

I usually posted about my Wednesday's group of golfers. This included how we did as teams and outstanding moments from either on-course and off. I got bored and needed a new idea that would not only entertain my readers, but also keep me enthused. I couldn't find one.

After weeks of pondering, I decided upon bashing-and-cheering all golfers in general. This sounds easy and chicken shit, but who out there in the golfing world does it on a regular basis? The Golf Channel's Brandel Chamblee has his moments, (especially at Tiger's expense), but who else?

I'm ready.

Yucaipa Valley Quakin'

2011-09-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

As I hit a very good drive on number four, Bert said, "earthquake!". I immediately responded with "nah, that was just a real good hit". The other two guys in our group, Clarence and Vito, said they felt nothing, but it was probably because Clarence was talking so much to Vito that neither of them could notice anything else around them, -even the earth shaking below their feet! My excuse was I was in the middle of my violent-motion swing and that was the truth. I talked to Ralph after the round and he told me Tino felt it, but none of the others noticed anything. He did say he talked to his wife a couple holes later and she asked him if he felt it, since it was centered right there in Yucaipa! So, I guess there really was one, but I still insist on attributing it to my tremendous hit. Ego thing.

Anyway, the round went by without anymore shakes, rattles and rolls. Yes, even the rolls were limited in the fairways, because the grass was way too long there too. Although this course has as nice a layout as any other in the area with the exception of the Beaumont courses, Oak Valley and Morongo 36, the conditions consistently bring it down to muni-level. Too bad, but the $25 weekday rate offsets it well.

Bert shot 86 and I tripled 18 to shoot 79, but Vito and Clarence both forgot how to play golf. These guys usually shoot between 85 and 92, but not on this day. Those numbers were gone by the 16th! Some days are like that, but why when on my team?! The other team of Bill, Tino, Elliott, Ralph and Bob J., all shot between 88 (Elliott) and 91 (Ralph and Bob) and thusly cleaned our clock for $6.75 apiece.

Yes, there were only nine of us this time! This is by far the smallest number of golfers for a Wednesday in almost ten years! -And it was kinda nice! Not that we didn't miss the other guys, but things were just a whole lot easier, -kinda like having a week off. I'll take it!

Next week we're playing the (in)famous Nicklaus design in Corona, the Champions Club at the Retreat, and I can hardly wait, even though there are a few of the others that are a little nervous. It boasts a 139 slope from the blues at only 6277 yards(?), hmmm.

It Was Frickin' Hot!

2011-09-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

Played at The Golf Club at Glen Ivy in Corona this week and we basically boiled. Don't get me wrong, we still had a lot of fun, but those last few holes were f'ing tough! Immediately after our round ended, Vito and I drowned ourselves with cold water in the restroom so as to bring our body temperature to sub-100°. Other than the heat, the course was in good shape with only the greens being fairly spotty and the bermuda fairways starting to go dormant. One thing for sure though, this course has the best bunkers anywhere. Beautiful sand.

After I shot a dumb-ass 40 on the first nine holes with some terrible second shots and three missed four-footers, I settled into a very good rhythm of pars for the first seven holes on the back. That's when I decided to duck-hook my drive into the vegetation just off the fairway on eight. (We played the back nine first.) I then topped a whopping 80-yard drive for my provisional. After hitting a great fourth from the heavy rough in front of the tee box, Vito and I went over to the tree line that sucked up my first shot so we could hopefully retrieve my somewhat new Bridgestone. At first we didn't have any luck, but that turned right away when Vito started loading up on some beautiful Haas avocados from a very healthy tree! I immediately forgot about the ball hunt, but then Vito said, "T, here's your ball!". -And it was in bounds!! I punched out to just short of the green and almost saved par, but was quite happy with bogie, considering what it could/should have been. Mmmm, avocados are soooo good! I limped in with an ugly 4 on the last hole to shoot 78 and was rewarded by my other playing partner, Dave, with a big juicy Blue Moon in the bar. Fucking awesome, let me tell you!

The last group crawled in over an hour later. (We had fourteen players, so we went out 3, 3, 4, & 4. The first two groups finished in 3-1/2 hours, but there was a big gap to the last two foursomes, who weren't being pushed at all, -probably because there wasn't anyone else dumb enough to play in hell's kitchen that day.) We finished second and netted a cool four bucks apiece, which coincidentally, was the exact same amount the first place team of Bert, Bill, Joe and Old Bob did. Since we were a threesome, the shares were significantly bigger. Yeah for us.

George, Ralph, Clarence and Tim smoothed in for third and lost a few dollars while Elliott, Tino and Jon sucked and lost almost $7 each. Funny how this game is, everyone had resigned to the fact that Elliott's team was favored that day, yet it just didn't happen. Bummer.

The only other good note from this week's excursion was the grapefruits we all got from the trees just off #7's fairway. One can never starve when playing Glen Ivy, but you sure can die from dehydration.

Hidden Valley Is No Picnic, It Just Eats Your Lunch

2011-08-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

About once every other year we venture to Hidden Valley Golf Course in Norco, CA. It takes that much time for me to sneak a round into our itinerary, because of the fact that most of our guys really hate the place. I don't love it, but I definitely don't hate it. It is a shot-maker's course to the tens. You put your ball in the right spots on the course and you can get on the greens without much of a hassle. HOWEVER, if things aren't going where they were meant to go and you end up getting into the ravines, hillsides and firm bunkers, you will hate this place to no end. About his first trip to HV, New Bob (100) put it best: "I had six bad holes, but I blame myself for all of 'em". (In that six hole stretch NB was twenty strokes over par.) And that comes from a guy that just shot 79 last week at Apple Valley Country Club!

I spent the day putting myself on the wrong parts of the greens and hitting shots well-past my usual distances (i.e.: a pitching wedge that flew 135 uphill on #14?) and into trouble. At least four three-putts, three penalty drops and six or seven bunker shots brought me in with an 83. I was three strokes clear of Elliott (86) and eight strokes better than my playing partner, Clarence, who came in with a nice 91. Everyone else shot 94 and higher. I, along with New Bob, want to go right back, but just about everyone else didn't quite concur. Pussies.

The big item brought up by several golfers was the fact we were playing from the blues. HV plays just 6292 yards from the blues and only 5772 from the whites. Elliott made the decision to play blues, which made me happy, but it pretty much ended right there. The biggest complaint came from Billy, saying it was unfair to all except for a couple players (meaning Elliott and I), and there was no way for the shorter hitters to reach a lot of the par fours. With the exception of #9, (a downhill 401 yards par four), and #18, (424 yards with a downhill tee shot), all other par fours are between 302 and 376 yards. Come on, we play longer holes at all the other courses we play on a regular basis! As it turned out and to back-up my argument, about half of the blue tees were moved forward and near the white markers. Anyway, I figure since we probably won't be back there for quite awhile, (I'm sorry to say), this issue will shortly pass with no further ruffling of their collective feathers.

By far the biggest proof of HV's 'lethal-ness' was the fact that Ralph eagled #7, -and he still shot 108! Matter of fact, he was paired with Tino and Vito, which makes a team of all 80's shooters, yet none of them even broke 100!! Congrats Ralph, I think.

Team honors (and $) went to my team that included the aforementioned Clarence and Bob and we netted a very nice eight bucks apiece. Second and third, by default, went to Elliott's (+50 cents) and Bert's (-$4) teams respectively. You guessed it, Tino's team sucked hard.

Here's a picture of my two teammates on the tee box on #15. As you can see, HV has its fair share of stunning views (just not stunning-looking golfers):

And Bert took this electrifying video from #13's tee box. Just try and stay awake.

Spend Some Time Helping Out Fellow Golfers

2011-08-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

There are many sites out there that help golfers find out where to play, but there isn't one that covers as much about golf courses and their collective backgrounds, -except for greenskeeper.org. (For all of California, and most parts of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, Southern Nevada, Oregon, Washington and Texas. Also includes the St. George area of Utah for those of you that are thinking of going to Mesquite, NV for your next "Big Trip".)

Greenskeeper gives scorecards, ratings, slopes, reviews, green fees and discount opportunities about all *area golf courses. What sets this place apart though, are the golf course maintenance schedules. How many times have we all made tee times for courses and shown up only to find out they had just recently punched the greens, are working on the tee boxes or just made a temporary green for #18 so they can work on the permanent green. Greenskeeper lets you know the "when" and "what" about each course's schedule. A HUGE help for group leaders and their followers!

Another special feature, (once you become part of their 'team'), is the ability for a golfer to post a review about the course he/she just played. These reviews include but are not limited to: course conditions; the clubhouse and its proshop; and the staff's helpfulness and courtesy.

Do yourself a favor and check this site out. You will not be disappointed, -like some of you currently are now investigating.

*You will not find anything about private courses, but us real golfers don't really care about that, -unless, of course, we get invited to play one. We all have to give-and-take.

No Broken Legs, More Bugs and a Solid Round

2011-08-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

Played Shandin Hills this past Wednesday and no one was injured, per say.

Quite a few years ago, Don and I were playing with Burz and his brother, Parker, at Shandin Hills and having a delightful round full of doubles, triples and others, when Don decided to wash his golf ball at the fifth tee box ball washer. I, in my infinite wisdom, decided to 'race' him to the washer and he decided to race me back. Bad choice(s), because as soon as Don's spikes (yes, it was back in the days of metal spikes) reached the cement surrounding the ball washer, both feet went sliding as if on ice and his shin collided with the ball washer steel post, breaking his right tibia and fibula in the process. Nasty scene. Thank goodness the ambulance was carrying him off within 30 minutes, which gave us ample time to finish our round before noon, so as not to miss the lunch special that day at the course.

Now, back to this week's round. No one got hurt, including Don. Everyone had a fun day even though there were quite a few gnats again this week to spoil our eyesight and taste buds, but not near as bad as last week at El Prado where I had nightmares for three days thereafter. Shandin was in OK shape with lush and slow greens, thin but mostly playable fairways, long and tough rough, and absolutely terrible tee boxes. In other words: Shandin Hills in its usual condition. For 20 bucks, it's still worth it.

I had a very good round shooting 75 even though I had some bad bounces and only one birdie. My short game was pretty spot-on while I hit some less than "spot-on" irons. Playing with Bob R. (92) made the round that much more enjoyable, even though he does like to pester me a bit. I suppose I deserve most of it... OK, probably all of it.

Our team which also included Clarence (86) and Harry (100+) finished a solid second out of four teams which netted us a big one dollar. Hey, it's better than losing a buck! Ralph, Elliott, Vito and Jon were the big winners clearing a cool $4.25 apiece. Elliott was pissed that his solid 80 didn't come close to my 75, but good for me and my already inflated ego.

Next week were venture back to Hidden Valley where our collective egos take a beating and the lack of hookers is a big turn-off.

Attacked at El Prado!

2011-08-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Our glorious group of eighteen ascended upon El Prado Golf Course last Wednesday and were thusly ascended upon by those pesky little creatures called 'gnats'.

First off, my team finished last, -a first the past five weeks, and I was to blame with a dumb-ass 82 that included fat shots, thin shots, chunked chips and topped tee shots. I amazingly had no 3-putts, but I did have a triple on #12 thanks to a very hard-breaking 20' putt I sank after my double-hit out of the bunker. The rest of my team hung in there OK, but I was useless after I hit a fairway bunker shot on #1 to ten feet for a nice sandy par.

George tore it up again with a 77 and his team killed the next nearest team by ten strokes! There was a report that George opened a new bank account shortly thereafter. I made myself a cardboard sign and stood by the freeway entrance to the 60. (It seems that people have no sympathy towards jackoff golfers and their sick habit(s). I had only one guy stop and ask me for some change. Everyone else just laughed at me.)

The really big story of the day though, was the unrelenting attack of the gnats that just kept coming and coming. Every hole, every drive between holes and every swing was rudely interrupted by thousands upon thousands of those pesky little creatures from hell. We've been to lots of courses that had their fair share of insects, but this was unbelievable! I wear contacts so I was in the very pits of Hades where I was not only blinded, but also forced to acquire the taste of them little fuckers. It's a good thing El Prado has excellent customer service, a nice layout and reasonable rates, because I wouldn't go back until this winter when such vermin are at rest.

The course itself was in decent shape with its fair share of crab grass, spotty (and very bumpy) rough and super hard bunkers, but nice tee boxes and greens (for the most part) offset that nicely. We played the Chino Creek side, which is definitely the more exciting of the two courses there and it does manage to keep you interested with a good amount of forced carries and required well-placed drives. Well-worth a trip for newbies, just make sure your have your rap-around shades, OFF bug spray and don't open your mouth unless you're in need of some extra protein.

Terrible, But OK!

2011-08-05T10:02:00.000-07:00

Played Eagle Glen Wednesday with little to no fanfare. (Once again, we were our own cheerleaders.)

The course was in good shape and the weather was in the upper 90's. Four teams set off on a quest to win the cup, or unreasonable facsimile thereof, and only one was the victor, -my team! We collected a net $6.50 apiece, with Elliott's and Tino's teams sharing second and basically winning their investments back.

What made the win so sweet wasn't the fact I shot really well, because I didn't, (I had five three-putts on my way to a less than stellar 80), but by the way my two teammates stepped-up when needed. Both Jon and Vito shot around 90 with some awesome up-and-downs, big-time putts and dazzling consistency. If one can do the latter at EG, he will definitely pick up the winner's check.

Another surprise was Bert shooting 109!, -which helped his team finish a very distant fourth. This past week I released the first set of indexes since our Mesquite trip, so evidently Bert thought his 10.8 was (way) out of hand, much to his team's chagrin. Not really sure what happened there, but I heard it was ugly. I wasn't near the conversation, but I did catch such phrases as "popped-up my drive", "whiffed my..." and "shanked my chip on...". Yep, that kinda talking usually follows a fat 100. Anyway, if he thinks that's going to influence my team-making for next week, he's got a big shock come next Wednesday. Fuckin' sandbagger!

Other big news was the fact that Darvin and Keith are back on the tour, but only on an every other week basis do to work obligations. Evidently Boeing has 'beyond-golf' aspirations for its workers. Not much else to report other than Elliott being happy to break 80 (and beat me). He's been having a tough time lately and I am sure his 79 will get him back on track. I'm not willing to let him keep beating though, so I'm off to the putting green to practice.

Oh! One more thing: That cart girl at Eagle Glen is quite hot, tats and all!!!

Birthday Gone and I Wasn't Missed!

2011-07-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

Didn't post anything last week because my wife and I decided to celebrate my 50th birthday in Vegas. Great time, didn't miss Wednesday Golf (too much), bla, bla, bla. The guys did report that Sierra Lakes was in awesome shape. Billy made eagle on #18, holing out his third with a 9 iron. George shot par on the back with three birdies. He sure is playing some very good golf since our Mesquite trip... -too bad he's only playing about every other week due to a troublesome back and his wife being on vacation. He'll be tearing up the tour once he gets back on full-time.

However this week we played Dos Lagos. The course was in very good shape with the exception of the greenskeeper deciding to cross-cut the fairways. We played lift-clean-and-place in the fairways, which usually means real good scoring, but since the pins were in 'miniature golf course spots', putting took a beating, as did our scores. Elliott and I shot 80 for the low rounds, and everyone else was also a good 2-8 strokes higher too.

Nothing spectacular to report on betting-wise, with the last place team, mine, netting -$4.75, and Elliott's 1st place team winning five bucks apiece. They were happy... we weren't.

The good: I hit a great 5 iron for my approach onto #6 to about 25 feet. It's the toughest hole on the course!...
The bad: I three-jacked from 25 feet on #6. (Stupid side hill hump between me and the hole!)

Native American Hills Yields an Eagle

2011-07-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

Played yesterday, 7-13-11.

It's really called Indian Hills, but we try and remain as politically correct as possible... right fellow jerk-offs? So after the chants and peace pipe smokems, we ventured onto the oldie-and-moldie pasture of hills and spills and bumpy greens. This course has a fun layout but always seems be lacking in the "stellar conditions" department.

As for the golf, there was only fourteen of us this week but we had four pretty well-balanced teams with Elliott and Ralph's team taking first, followed by T and George's teams tied for second. Sorry Bert and Tino, but you guys sucked. The big news was that after a less than great drive, George hit an awesome 5 iron from 210 yards down the hill on 13 and into the cup for an eagle! He's da man!!!

Meanwhile, without making a single putt outside of five feet, (did I mention the greens were bumpy?), I still managed a 77. George also shot a 77, and that was with a triple on the last hole! Old man Elliott shot a tidy 79 and Ralph finally stepped it up with an 84. The rest of the boys hit right around their average.

Highlight of the day was when my playing partner, Dave, told my other teammate, Clarence, to "shut the fuck up, of course I saw where the fucking putt broke to! Dumb-ass". It's so great, how we all get along so well.

Since I've Been Gone...

2011-07-12T12:52:00.000-07:00

I know it's been awhile, but it has been a very busy couple of months for me (and my family).

Between planning our annual golf trip to Mesquite, Nv., and having my two kids flying in from Denver for their cousin's wedding, I've had little time to spare for such trivial activities such as blogging.

OK, that's it for excuses. Now, back to the golf stuff.

For the week of June 5th, me and nineteen other golfers made our way to Mesquite for our annual Mesquite Invitational which consists of four rounds of golf in Mesquite and nearby St. George, Ut., and four nights stay at the ever-growing and not-so-extravagant Virgin River Hotel Casino. We love it there!

We played at the Oasis Palmer and Canyons Courses, the Casablanca and the GREAT Sand Hollow Golf Course in Hurricane just outside of St. George. All of the courses were in top-notch shape and had impeccable customer service, as usual. What made the trip even better was the weather. The temperature barely made it over 90 and that wasn't until after our last round of the week.

Even though I didn't win a *Hat, I was lucky enough to be on the 1st place team all four days and reel in a cool $99.50. I had the low gross score all but one day which included an easy 74 at the Casablanca. (Sans four 3-putts and I shoot 70! Do-h!!). The rest of the guys were pretty consistent, with only the hat winners stepping up their own game just enough to claim their major prize. Oh yes, the hat winners were Jon, Bill, Darvin and Bob J. Excellent stuff!

Here's a couple pictures of what you can find if you're lucky enough to get to Mesquite and for those of you that have been there in the past, you know what I mean. That is Clarence and Jon in the last two pics. Sorry, they insisted on having their image slapped in the middle of a beautiful shot.

And here are the guys:

Incredible bunch of human specimens, huh? Hard to believe the women of the Greater Mesquite Area never (dare) bother us. Hmmm...

Anyway, since then we have played at Goose Creek, Empire Lakes, Links at Summerly and Dos Lagos, -which have all been in very good shape. You can't miss with any of these gems.

No more to say since this is a golf blog and those of you out there that may follow me and my buddies' golfing adventures wouldn't care less about our outside-of-golf ventures.

*The Hat Winner is the guy with the lowest net score for that day's course. He gets $20 out of the general pot and he must buy a golf hat from that course, signifying his "Major" win.

Goose Creek (Again) and Fried Fish

2011-03-18T10:55:00.000-07:00

Played 3-16-11

Twenty-one of us this week and that makes for some very tough team set-ups. Since GC doesn't allow fivesomes, (a good thing), we went with three foursomes and three threesomes. Two best scores per team. This makes for some serious skin carry-overs, but decent overall scoring. All of the teams were within 14 strokes with a winning team of Aaron, Bob, Tim and Joe, -who actually won by seven strokes and took home $9 apiece. I was on the second place team, (again), with Vito and Dave, and netted a big $5.50. Most of the other teams did OK with the exception of Bert and Bill's team which lost $7.50 each... bummer!

The course was in its usual good-to-great condition. The greens were a little bumpy, but held shots very well, and the rest of the course was in excellent shape. The staff was once again the stars they always are and things stayed right on time.

My group didn't do anything special with no birdies, but we stayed within one shot of par on almost all holes with the exception of 18, where we posted a rather disappointing four-over. 18 does that to you. Aaron had four birdies on the back to bring his total to five for the round which helped him shoot a very nice 74. If he wasn't so nice, I'd hate his young punk ass. Great shooting none-the-less.

After our round, half of us went to a nearby Mexican restaurant on Limonite Blvd., (in the Stator Bros. Center), that is known for its excellent chile rellenos. However, Vito and Bob, who not coincidentally are of Catholic/Mexican descent, had their special of the month which included a deep-fried tilapia that was quite ugly looking but outstanding in taste. Chips, rice and beans were included with the fish and only cost them $4.99! Such a deal!

Anyway, koodos to the Goose once again and way to stay within your 'Lent' values, Bob and Vito! You both have inspired me to keep praying to my golf gawd every time I pull that five iron out of my bag.

Eagle Glen and the Bedlam

2011-03-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

Played 3-9-11

Absolutely retarded. Due to early cancellations by fellow golfers that wanted to help me keep my sanity, we were down to a perfect group of 16 players. This is doubly good for Eagle Glen, since it doesn't allow fivesomes and frowns upon multiple threesomes in one's group. HOWEVER, at 9:07pm the evening before, Tim, who repeatedly told me the prior week and weekend before, text me saying he could now play. I immediately called him and mentioned the present situation, but he laughed and said, "tough shit for them!". He also said that someone would probably drop-out at the last minute so everything would be good. I told him, "no, because the other guys let me know way ahead of time if they can or cannot play and stick to their word, -unlike other guys I know". Anyway, I caved.

Once we arrived and let the starter know what was going on, he gave us the 'oh shit' look, but said we could start a group right now, which was thirty minutes before our first time, and then let the other 2 foursomes that were not in our group go, and then the rest of us could start. That was the only other open tee time available until much later. We took it. I told the starter "sorry for the hassle", but he just ignored me and walked away. EXCELLENT customer service, eh? I bring them 16 - 24 golfers about every six weeks and all I get is "screw you". We'll be going back real soon...

Anyway, the real dagger for all this was I called the golf course early Tuesday morning to cancel one of our five times to help the course out. Silly me.

Other than having to make up new teams and dealing with a less-than-charming starter, the golf went fairly well. Eagle Glen was in OK shape with mostly dormant fairways, dried-out rough, very poor conditioned tee boxes and bunkering that is less than consistent in texture. The greens were near-perfect and the weather was spectacular. Get this course in lush shape and it would be undoubtedly one of the best in SoCal. Yes, the rates are very good during the week for seniors at $35, but hitting out of a dried-out divot in the middle of 18's fairway with a wedge is not a good way to leave an impression on someone (like me). If they don't want to overseed for the winter to save money, so be it, but what a shame. Last impressions are usually the ones that stick.

The exciting news was Bert eagled 16! By far the toughest tee shot on the course with a pretty frightening second into a very undulated and protected green makes this one scary-ass hole. I don't know the specifics of how he did it, but it is a monumental feet considering he is not one of the longest hitters on tour. Excellent stuff!

Bert, Bill, Mark and Jon took first place and netted winnings of $8 apiece. They were delighted and gloated a little more than I liked, but good job just the same. My team played well enough for a stellar second place which handed us an extra four bucks each. Not bad for only three guys named Ralph, Al and T. Third went to Elliott, Calm Don and Dave who took home a whopping 50 cents each.. The remaining two teams complained to Tim, figuring he's the one that screwed up the original foursomes, -which of course, would have done better for sure. (They were kidding, of course... or were they?)

Spring Valley Lake and a Bunch of Hoodlums

2011-03-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

Played: 3-2-11

The good people at Spring Valley Lake Country Club in Victorville were nice enough to have us play their very nice private course. SVL was in a little rough shape do to the heavy winter rains, but it is always a fun experience because of the layout and fast/smooth greens. The bunkers are in excellent shape with the exception of the motorized raker which leaves a very pronounce groove, -that I was (un)fortunate enough to find on two occasions. The fairways were a little thin, but quite playable and the tee boxes were very nice. The rough was the only (somewhat) major problem where mud had rolled into some of the low-lying areas, but the staff is doing an excellent job of marking the unplayable areas 'GUR' and getting them back up to par.

We had twenty-two players this week and that's with two late cancellations! Even with that kind of attendance and diversity of players, all of the final team scores were within 12 strokes of each other. We've been closer in the past, but with the two guys dropping out the replacement "phantoms" did more good than the two no-shows would have. (i.e.: Our "C" player, Doug, who called off late, would have shot 92 - 96, but our replacement "C" player, Calm-Don, shot 89, which helped offset our "B" player, Tino, -who shot 95!) Remember, we use the best 3-out-of-4 scores per hole system, and with just the right amount of ham and egging, we were able to shoot a total of 249 which tied for first. With three doubles on my scorecard I was still able to shoot an 81 and our "D", Mark, (who shot 103), had two pars while I was making two of those doubles, and that really helped! We got back $19.50 apiece after our $8 buy-in. Big bucks.

The big news of the week though, was having Not-Calm-Don back and playing. Only 8 weeks after having a triple bypass, 30 pounds lighter and a lot less volatile (for now), he hung in there and complained of nothing after his round. This is truly a 'New Don'. He did say he was still able to display his club-throwing technique to its fullest, which made us all smile.

Other than that, there were no truly memorable shots, stupid/funny remarks or displays of idiotic behavior to reminisce about (or I will admit to). Just a bunch of guys having a good time getting pissed about their dumb-ass shots and losing $2.75.

Shandin Hills and Big Birds

2011-02-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

Played 2-23-11.

Playing the 17th hole, a 500 yard par 5 with a green the size of your grandmother's living room rug. It's always been a bear of a hole to me because of the slightly uphill third shot to a well protected green. Joey has hit his second shot from the left side fairway bunker and is walking to his next shot when a golf ball comes rolling across the fair way and through his legs. He immediately throws his arms up at the guys on the neighboring 16th tee box who never yelled "fore!". They give him back the same gesture. He's upset. Within 20 seconds Mark hits his 5 wood skyward and right. Yes, right at the guys on the 16 tee! This is totally by accident and you guessed it, he never yells "fore!"! Don and I in the neighboring cart start to laugh and Joey gets upset at Mark because he cannot rightfully chew out the guys playing #16. We laugh some more.

Meanwhile, I have hit a nice 3 wood second shot to about 50 yards from the pin. After pulling my lob wedge and settling the giggles down, I hit a perfect half wedge that checks up in front of the hole and roles in for eagle and helps me shoot a 76! (Not bad considering I was 5 over by the 5th hole.) The only thing that was a better feeling than seeing the ball go in the hole was seeing and hearing the reaction by Elliott and Ralph's group playing behind us after they saw I made eagle. Yes, total disgust and realization that they had each lost a whole dollar. (Eagles are worth 4 dots, each dot worth a quarter.) I received a nice "atta-boy!" from everyone after the round, except for Dave who said "fuck you!". Very funny guy.

The golf course was in thin shape with the fairways very dormant and the rough almost non-existent. Bunkers are still nice and the greens were about as good as I've seen them in a while. The main reason we don't play here very often is because of the noise that surrounds and engulfs the entire course. This is caused by the dissection of the two nines by the 215 freeway and the south-side bordering by the BNSF Railway. Man, those trains are loud! One thing you will always see here though are the hawks that soar over the course with great regularity. Beautiful sight.

Huge kudos to John in the pro shop who gave us a dozen Nike golf balls before the round as thanks for bringing our group to the course. Top-notch class. The balls went to the wining team of George, Tino, Clarence and Dave. (Our team finished last, but only lost $4 apiece because of my heroics on 17 and some very nice greenies by Joey and I.)

Goose Creek and Comments From The Peanut Gallery

2011-02-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

Played 2-16-11 in the very occasional drizzle, light wind and sunshine.

This course is as good as it gets in the Inland Empire and better than just about any L.A. area course. $39 for seniors during the week is an absolute steal! Excellent conditions and super friendly service that is unmatched along with a serene location just off of the 15 freeway makes this place a must for all golfers. There really isn't much else to say about Goose Creek other than it's a "can't-miss" facility.

Our group of only 14, (we had several guys wimp out due to the rainy forecast, work obligations and vacations), played in about four hours, but not without its noteworthy quips that were mostly about golf and sex in the Northern African desert and 1960's Asia.

I spat just off the sixteenth green and commented about possibly being fined by the golf course's Men's Club. That's when one of my playing partners, Vito, said, "Tiger wasn't spitting on the green in Dubai, he was just drooling while thinking about eating some Arabian pussy after his round". I said, "mmmm, Arabian pussy", and the rest of the guys in our group agreed with the assessment.

Later after the round Calm Don, (called this because our original Don has a slightly volatile temper when playing golf and this one doesn't), said he had all kinds of Asian pussy when stationed overseas during his late 60's stint in the U.S. Armed Services. He also mentioned that he was very lucky to not get any kind of disease(s) because he never once wore a condom during his, ahem, 'exploits'. Then George immediately quipped, "there might be some Kom Don Wongs over there that you know nothing about". Very funny shit.

Next week we are playing the anti-Goose Creek, or otherwise known as Shandin Hills in San Bernardino where we expect to pay the $20 senior rate and understand exactly why this noisy-but-efficient track sucks us in.

Yucaipa Valley GC

2011-02-11T08:43:00.000-08:00

Played there 2-9-11 and the weather was great!

The course was in OK shape with its usual uneven tee boxes, (which are quite bare right now), and very inconsistent fairways that have more than their fair share of bare spots. For some reason this place never tries to fix their fairways and I'm sure this effects most players' attitude(s) about the course. Our group has taken to 'winter rules' for the fairways, -and that is for the entire year!

Rest of the course:

The greens were for the most part fast-but-bumpy, which is a very bad combination. Lots of poa annua has embedded itself into the greens and that doesn't help. I give the greens a 6/10, but only because of the great configurations and undulations which make them more than average tough. The rough is very thin right now due to the cold season, but not too bad. The bunkers are very inconsistent with too many rocks, but somewhat playable.

Pace of play was slow. It took over five hours to play as we waited on every tee box due to a slow-moving Men's Club. A lot of this was probably due to the greens and how they were playing, -especially with some very tough pin placements.

Our group:

We had 18 players and we have now instituted a $8 'buy-in' participation fee to deter big losses at the end of the round. Pretty simple way to figure things out too. ($1 dollar goes to each team for each skin, greenie, birdie and sandy par. If someone is lucky enough to have an eagle, his team gets $4. The rest of the pot is broken down 50/30/20 for 1st, 2nd and 3rd.) We still use best three-out-of-four scores per hole and decide first through last by overall tally. Because we have so many players now on a weekly basis, there were a couple times when the last place team was dishing out $14-$17 apiece, which is a little ridiculous for our meager selves.

Best quote of the day: "And you probably like it up the ass too!", said by Tim after hearing Dave say how much he likes losing as long as he gets to play with a certain guy who likes to drink beer at the same pace he does. (At least we know Joe is loved by someone!)

Ralph, Mark and I tied for first with Elliott, Vito and Jon while George's team trailed the pack and ended up getting $4 back to split among the four of them. No blood, no foul.

All-in-all, Yucaipa has a very nice layout of holes that one can endear as long as you can live with the somewhat sketchy conditions.

Currently at Apple Valley Country Club (A Review)

2011-02-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

Since I'm damn near a member here, I will go easy, -and that's easy to do!

As with all High Desert public golf courses in the area, the rough and fairways are thin. The difference here is the consistency and it is quite good. One very seldom ends up with a bad lie and when you do, it's because you've hit it into the dirt beyond the rough, -as it should be.

The tee boxes are all very level and point you in the right direction. Too many newer courses,(intentionally I think), line you up either too far right or left. AVCC tee boxes take you down the edge of the fairway promoting a little working of the ball, but not a miss-aim. Newer courses are more of a challenge to higher handicapped players because of this very reason.

Sand traps have been worked on and are for the most part very good and consistent. There are a few newly filled bunkers though that will leave you a fried egg, but that will work its way out in the next few (windy) months.

Greens here are among the best anywhere, and I mean anywhere. Fast, consistent and holding with the right shot, as it should be for all us rank amateurs. As close to perfect as anyone can get without being on the PGA Tour.

Other than a putting green and small driving range there isn't a proper practice chipping or bunker area, so don't get here too early before your tee time unless you want to eat. The restaurant is quite good and reasonably priced.

Inside the small but efficient pro shop you will find some nice people with the exception of Ric, who just takes some getting used to. Green fees are very reasonable, especially for Apple Valley residents where a round of golf is $25 weekdays and just ten more bucks on the weekend. All green fees include a cart with no discount for walkers which is too bad because this is one of the best walking courses around.

All-in-all, you can't go wrong with this old fashioned, handsome and well taken care of golf course.

Our Group

2010-11-23T10:20:00.000-08:00

We are a very diverse group of golfers who play every Wednesday with the exception of Christmas, -and that's only if it falls on a Wednesday. We play almost always in the Riverside/San Bernardino area of Southern California where the weather (almost) always permits us to play.

Our group count is 12 - 20 players every week. No, these are not tournaments or Men's Club outings, but just a bunch of guys who get along and want to play for a few bucks.

I try to configure teams that are different from week-to-week with very few exceptions. This is very difficult to do, but somewhat maintainable because of my "A, B, C and D" player format (with a 3-out-of-4 best scores per hole) . For example: If you shoot in the 70's to low 80's a reasonable amount of the time, you are an "A". If you shoot in the mid 80's to low 90's each week, then you are a "B" and so on. I then try to make up each team consisting of one player from each level. (The reason I use this format and not an official handicap/index system, is because most our guys don't want to bother with either getting a handicap or just don't want to shell out the extra 40 or so bucks each year to maintain a handicap through a Men's league.)

The "betting" consists of $1 front, back and overall Nassaus, 25 cent greenies on every hole, 25 cent skins (with carry-overs) and 25 cent birdies and sandy pars. On a good day, one can make a whole $12! However, one can lose a big 8 bucks. Ooh....

Enough about that for now. Basically, if you can play golf, get along with just about anybody and don't have a violent temper on the course, you are more than welcome to join in. Oh, and one more thing: We play by the rules! There are no Mulligans, gimmies or any other fictitious golf rules. This avoids any and all arguments regarding scores.

Now, these are adventures...